torn paper

I came across this wonderful post by a user on an atheist board named Riuaki. It sums up every feeling I have flawlessly, and hopefully will educate those who read this blog on my perspectives of life, even if it is without god. 

There’s no need to feel sorry for me, because for once, I’m truly happy, inside and out. 

________________________________________

Do not pity me, do not feel sorry for me.  I have chosen my path by my own free will.  I am not lost, so there is no need for me to be found.  My life is not empty.  I know who I am and I know my purpose.  I love, I am loved, and I strive every day to make sure I leave this world in better condition than I found it.  My world is not dark and it is not cold.  I see beauty and divinity in the world around me, and it is in no way less meaningful than your world ruled by a deity.  My divine is love and nature, physics and chemistry and respect.  I can respect you without agreeing and love you without believing that my love was directed by a higher power.  Disagreement is not mocking, but instead is a quest for mutual understanding.  I have no reason to mock you and it is hurtful when you proclaim how sorry you are for me.

Have you ever tried to see the universe from a different perspective, maybe one you were not taught through tradition?  I can see your point of view because I explored it in my initial wandering.  I do not wander anymore.  I now understand my place in the universe, and it is right here where I am.  I may be small, but I am not insignificant.   I can touch the lives of others, and my small caress can ripple through humanity in a subtle wave.  I do not need to make the world mine, I just need to make my own world matter.  I need to make it matter for my son, my husband, my friends, and my family.

I am not lacking for anything intangible, so do not pity my lack of belief.  I have hope, but it is centered around humanity instead of the vague promise of reward based on faith.  I see hope and wonder in the eyes of my child and I know he is something special and unique, as is every child in the world.  I have not squandered the concept of a soul, for all my soul is is my individuality.  I am not like any other even though we are all fundamentally the same, and that spark of uniqueness is my soul.  I have morals, and I try to live my life as well as possible because I am living for this life and this life alone.  I am living my way so my progeny can thrive in a safe and clean world.  I am not selfish.  I have sacrificed an incredible amount for other people, so do not trivialize my achievements just because they were not accomplished under the banner of a belief.  I try to always be honest, even if the truth isn’t always what people want to hear.  The truth is deserved by all and it is told out of love and not fear.

Do not pity me, my friend, for I do not live in fear.  I lost my fear when I found myself.  I found intense love for humanity, respect for the universe and everything in it, virtue in rationality, and innate values which embrace the best of all religions.  I respect you as an individual, so please respect me.  If you feel you must pray for me, go ahead, but I do not need it and it honestly makes me a bit uncomfortable if you tell me outright that you are.  A kind word and a kind thought will suffice, and I will reciprocate the same to you. Work toward your own peace as I work toward mine.  Embrace me because I am different from you, since it would be a boring world if we were all the same

So I’m putting my Tumblr challenge on hold for a second, because I’ve found myself at what I think is a milestone in my life (or in my development as Byron would say). About 2 days ago, I recently came out of the closet. And no, not in terms of my sexuality, but in terms of my atheism.

I used this analogy in my post about secular humanism, but I’ll reiterate it, because I can think of no better way to describe how I feel or what it’s like.

It’s a fact—we live in a Judeo-Christian society. Religion dictates a lot of our politics—from gay marriage to abortion to the death penalty. A person wanting to run for office is most likely going to present himself as Christian (Protestant, more specifically). I say “present himself” because, let’s face it, a person running for office cares about his image to the American people. And what do the American people think of atheists (at least the majority)? They pity them, think they are immoral, have no values, and basically just demonize them.

Imagine going through your whole life with the worry about this perception people have of you. You try to fit in, hoping you’ll someday just magically believe something you don’t believe in. You think to yourself, something is wrong with me, because all of these people can feel something I just can’t.

You are worried. If people found out that you aren’t align with their beliefs, they might not like you. They might see you as a different person. They might think you’ve changed. They might pity you. They might try in all their efforts to try to change what is essentially a big part of you.

So you hide it, and you deny that part of yourself.

Then, you meet people who feel the same way you do. You learn that it’s alright. You learn that you’re not the only one—you’ve found solidarity. You begin to feel this satisfaction bubble up on you, and then suddenly, you’ve found yourself happier. You begin to research and learn and know that you’re not wrong, it’s perfectly natural, it’s the people who judge you that have the problem.

So you think to yourself, why did you waste so many years of your life trying to fit a mold that isn’t you? You become angry at the way people treated you, and even worse, how you treated yourself. You begin to form strong opinions that for once, weren’t dictated by someone else’s views. You become your own person. You feel enlightened.

But yet, you know people will change their opinion about you. You know that they’ll try to reconvert you to your old ways. 

Others might not accept you, but at least you can say you’ve made your own convictions, and that you’ve grown to accept yourself. 

I’m publicly coming out with my atheism. No longer will I pretend to be a Christian to fit in. No longer will I respond, “I’m not strongly religious” when asked what religion I was. We as humans need to learn to be tolerant of each other, in their beliefs and convictions. 

By “coming out of the closet” I hope that it lets those who struggle with their faith know that it is perfectly fine to have doubts, it’s okay to not have a religion. Come to your own conclusions about faith, and whatever it may be, whether you believe in a Christian God, Buddhism, Islamic God (etc etc), or even no God, I hope that you find happiness.

Until later.

(Sorry if this rant made no sense. I just went on a run and have a crazy endorphin high) 

It’s 53 minutes until my anatomy exam. I should be studying, looking over my notes at the last minute, but I have found that it only makes me more anxious. I figure if I don’t know it now, I won’t know it. Also, I feel pretty confident with the material, but I’ll probably regret this when I open my test and look at my questions.

So, I’m still going with this 30 day Tumblr challenge, and today’s letter recipient originally said to address it to your “crush”. Seeing as how I have a boyfriend, I figured I’ll write about him later, on the day I’m supposed to write about the “last person I kissed.” So today, I’m going to write a letter to my first crush, and the funny thing is, is I don’t think anyone even knew I had a crush on this person, so well, I guess it’s safe to say that I’m cleaning out my closet, and it’s quite embarrassing. Especially for those on facebook who know the person I’m talking about.

So, here it goes.

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear James,

When I first met you, I was in fourth grade, so that made me what? 10 years old? I had to admit, I saw you as annoying. What could you expect? You were my best friend’s brother and you were two years older than me. Plus, you were a boy.

But slowly, as I entered those awkward years of puberty, and the more time I spent in your house, the more I grew fond of you. And I convinced myself that you liked me, too. Remember when you would always want to sleep with me and Tiffany in the spare room, and asked if you could sleep next to me? Or when you would hang out with us constantly, playing pool with us, watching movies with us?

But then, like any teenage boy, you got a girlfriend. And I became really, really horribly jealous. You know that saying, “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone?” Well, that definitely applied with you. I never experienced such envy before, but with that envy came this surge of hopeless admiration.

I tried hard to impress you. When you entered that Eminem phase, I went and got myself the whole album and memorized the songs, hoping to somehow impress you, making a common connection through music. I tried to dress up whenever I came to your house, I made excuses to talk and find out about you through Tiff. 

Man, that’s pretty pathetic.

Then that time came when we were celebrating Tiff’s birthday (maybe it was her 14th?) and we were playing truth or dare. Tiffany left, and when it was your turn, someone dared you to kiss me. And you did. And that was my first kiss.

But I left for high school, going to Bayside for the Health Science Academy.  I soon found myself super involved in extracurriculars, schoolwork, and friends. To the point where I forgot about you (well that sounds bad, doesn’t it?) and realized that you weren’t really what I was looking for. 

Looking back, I think that puppy dog crush, as silly as it was, made me realize that I need to create standards for myself. After I entered high school, I realized that I didn’t need a boyfriend to make me happy, that I could be happy all on my own. And I was happy. High school was one of the best times of my life. Yes, I did get my heart broken along the way, and yes, I did have crushes on a couple guys here and there, but I never made them the central focus of my life like I did when I liked you. I was obsessive over you, and now I realize how silly that was. 

So, we probably have spoken or even seen each other for…5 years? Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. I hope all is going well with you, and best wishes.

Kim